Mourning and Melancholia

Navigating the Waves of Loss: Grief, Creativity, and Rediscovering Self

MOURNING + MELANCHOLIA

September 19th was the first night in 26 years that I did not go to sleep with a dog at the foot of my bed. 

We said goodbye to our sweet Sherman of 16 years a few weeks ago and the silence is evident. Even with two other dogs in the house, the absence of his breath, his body, his scent, is enormous. 

Sherman arrived on our doorstep in late October 2008 at the hands of a friend who rescued him from an abusive human at the Alemany Flea Market in San Francisco. My husband and I were in the middle of an 18 month period where we would lose our eldest dog Stella to kidney disease, my father-in-law to pancreatic cancer, my grandmother to dementia, an aunt, an uncle, the child of a close friend, and what was to be a total of 7 miscarriages on our journey to being parents. Those years broke me. Sherman held us together. 

If you are new to Muse, you should know that my best friend of 32 years died suddenly in March of 2023. His name was Tree and he was 49 years old. I write about Tree often, how unexpected this depth of grief has been, and how losing him drastically changed the trajectory of my life. TLDR, I didn’t know I was a psychic/medium. Now I am. 

What no one tells you about this phase of life - the late 40s and 50s and onward is that people you know will die. And it will happen frequently. Family, partners, friends, the siblings of friends. Sadness becomes a state that endures each day. You are at a concert and also sad. On vacation and also sad. Welcoming a new family member and also sad.

We are sad.

A friend joked with me the other day that after spending the last two years in constant mourning between the loss of friends and family members, when she introduces herself to someone new she feels like saying, “Hi, I’m Jen, I’m usually always sad.”

In some ways Sherman’s death just feels like more sad on top of an already decent amount of sadness. My grief doesn’t quite have the same flavor as my husband’s or daughter’s. Theirs is fresh. New. Angry. Mine is just there, almost natural. To some degree, I think I have gotten used to it. 

A melancholy.

This new way of being, however long it lasts - some tell me I am discovering a new me, the one who now lives each day with some noticing of absence. I admit, I do like her a little bit.

I have been quite aware of and very much in my melancholy this past year and a half. The feeling of it all. When it surfaces. That I mostly cry in the kitchen around 9pm when other things are going on in the house and I am alone to fill a tea kettle for later when the Dude (my adoring husband) and I watch one of our shows before bed. How I think of Tree when stuck in traffic. The small kind in the car and the big rock band Steve Winwood kind with a capitol T. I see pictures in my head of Sherman swimming - something he had never done, but looked like he wanted to try that one time we took him to Lake Tahoe in 2019.

What has gone unnoticed, unnamed, at least until recently, has been the absence of my creativity. Not all. But some. The writer in me is still here. Working on Muse each week, a little bit on my novel here and there. But the fine artist part of me, the painter, sculptor, the one that feels so connected to my body - she fled. And I didn’t even know it. I didn’t notice when she took for the woods. In the dark of night. Slipping out. She was sad too. And it scared her.

She’s hard to call home. She’s fled before. Sometimes for years and the results are never good. Turns out I need her to stick around. So, I’m trying. Doing the things I know to do to lure her back. Most importantly, I’m starting. Painting. A little. But painting nonetheless. Progress.

Yet, today, I hate grief and sadness and melancholy and want to spit in the face of those who mention the blessings of it all. How grief is love. And love inevitably means loss. All of these are true, but not for me right now. Not today. I miss my dog. I miss my friend. I miss the artist part of myself. I resent the work to lure her home. I don’t want any more lessons. Today, I don’t want the lessons.

xxx

LAS

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Q + A

Welcome to my exciting monthly feature: Q + A!

I'm absolutely thrilled to be diving into your thought-provoking inquiries about Human Design, Astrology, creativity, and Energy Work. Your curiosity fuels my passion for sharing knowledge, and the process of answering your questions continually enriches my own understanding.

Consider this space a welcoming sanctuary for curiosity, self-discovery, and expanding your horizons. Here, you can explore the intricate world of Human Design, Astrology, and Energy Work, and discover how they can profoundly influence your creativity and success as a creative professional. It's a journey of enlightenment and empowerment, and I can't wait to embark on it with you.

Don't hesitate to send your questions my way by simply clicking the button below. I'll be selecting one or two to address in the upcoming first newsletter of each month. Your inquiries drive the conversation, and I'm eager to provide you with insightful answers.

Q: What strategies do you recommend for staying innovative in a competitive industry?

A: Ah, this might be my most favorite question to date. 

First I’ll say that staying innovative in a competitive industry has little to do with the week long on site yoga retreats or watercolor classes that companies often bring in to “shake things up.” Yes, a diversity of experiences and looking at solving problems through a different lens is PART of keeping the genius flowing, but a small part. When the success of a larger system relies on creative innovation and the ability for creatives to think way outside the box, the answer is always maintenance. Super boring, I know, but also true. 

If a friend told you they were about to run a marathon, the expectation would be that they would train. Perhaps they would have a trainer or be part of a running club where they would learn to stretch, pace themselves, and work on their stride. Maybe they would even have a nutritionist to help with optimizing their meal pre and post race. An acupuncturist, chiropractor, or PT to assist with any injuries due to overuse. It is safe to say, there would be a lot of attention paid to maintenance. This would be expected and not questioned. 

Creatives require the same dedication to maintenance, yet it is often questioned and rarely provided. There exists a desire among those who are not creative professionals to view creativity like a magic trick. Poof! Inspiration strikes, as if out of nowhere. Ha! And yes, there are strikes, sparks, lightning bolts and earthquakes of enormous innovation, but they are cultivated. Genius does not just arrive out of the blue free from effort. 

The key to maintaining creativity is consistent, intentional work. Just like athletes train daily to perform at their best, creatives need regular maintenance. Small, everyday rituals like energy work and meditation create a strong foundation to help to keep your creative mind sharp. These practices balance the nervous system, preventing burnout while fostering a flow state. And yes, journaling, sketching, all of these exercises we have come to assume move the creative process along are helpful. They are a PART of the training. But they work much better when addressing the foundational aspect of creativity - energy. 

But it's not all about the routine. Regularly stepping outside your comfort zone and embracing new experiences is essential for growth. The secret to sustained innovation is this delicate balance between maintenance and moments of fresh inspiration.

'Shaking things up' should be a part of your weekly routine, not an event saved for company retreats. Ultimately, innovation isn’t something you chase only when deadlines loom, it’s cultivated through discipline, maintenance, and steady engagement with your creative energy. If you are in the business of innovation, you need to train for that event every single day. 

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SOLAR TRANSIT

10-8-24

Gate 57

The Gate of Intuitive Clarity 

On October 8, the sun gracefully transits Gate 57, the Gate of Intuitive Clarity. During this celestial transit, you're invited to embark on a deeply introspective voyage of self-discovery. Gate 57 offers a profound opportunity to delve into your inner realm, particularly focusing on nurturing your trust in your own insights and intuition.

This transit encourages you to distinguish between the influences of fear and the whispers of intuition, fostering the skill of navigating life by the rhythm of your inner wisdom. Embrace this journey as you learn to align with your innate sense of timing, allowing your intuitive clarity to guide you towards a more profound understanding of yourself and your path.

Gate 57 offers the opportunity to dive deep into the well of your embodied sense of trust. 

As you explore this gate, you'll emerge with a heightened sense of trust in your own intuitive abilities and a newfound appreciation for the enigmatic beauty of life's unanswered questions. Embrace this transit as it propels you forward on your journey of self-discovery, nurturing your intuitive clarity along the way.

Here are some journaling prompts to deepen your understanding and engagement with this transit:

1. What does intuition mean to me? How do I perceive and experience my own intuition in daily life?

2. Can I recall a specific instance when I followed my intuition, and it led to a positive outcome? How did it feel to trust my inner guidance?

3. On the contrary, have there been times when I let fear dictate my decisions instead of following my intuition? What did I learn from those experiences?

4.How can I distinguish between the voice of fear and the voice of intuition in my life? Are there any telltale signs or feelings that signal one or the other?

PROMPT!!

Do you know about Tapping? It can be an effective addition to energy work and nervous system regulation. Many of my Mentorship clients include Tapping as part of their daily ritual. You can learn more about Tapping and how to do it by hitting the button below.

EFT - Emotional Freedom Technique Tapping Prompt for this transit. 

“Even though it is scary to be guided by my intuition, I now choose to honor my awareness, and be guided by what feels right, and I deeply and completely love and accept myself.”

You will never regret seeing their handwriting, feeling the paper between your fingers, taking in the depth that their hand created as they pressed down to write each letter and being able to touch the words they have written. 

Consider the legacy of handwritten letters and how they might be cherished by future generations. Write about a letter you would want to leave behind for someone you love. What would you say, and how would you hope they feel when they see your handwriting and hold the letter in their hands?