WEDNESDAY
Wednesday would have been my friend Tree’s 50th birthday. I’ve been thinking about this for a few weeks, my sadness building very quietly.
My grief has shifted a lot in the last few months.
The end of March marked the anniversary of Tree’s death and I felt something move. People say grief changes about a year after. I didn’t believe them, but it seems to be true.
The weeks leading up to the date I told Tree I wanted a gift. He leaves me gifts everywhere. It used to be more consistent, when I needed more reassurance as to our ability to communicate when he was no longer in a body.
Shortly after Tree's death, there was a two month period where everywhere I went I found hand painted stones with messages like, “hello friend, smile it’s okay, how are you doing, and hey, you’re doing great.” I even found a set of painted stones on vacation last summer, hundreds of miles away from home. One covered in red hearts. The other said, “you are loved.”
After the rocks came feathers. Of all kinds. Everywhere. At the skatepark, on hikes, and in my yard. Owl, hawk, woodpecker. Some I have yet to identify. Even a feather painted into a rainbow I found at my feet. I nearly skated right over it.
After the feathers, I saw butterflies. The first on my birthday back in February. I was led to a field off the freeway lined by a grove of towering trees. When I exited the car and walked toward the eucalyptus, a single monarch butterfly rose from the duff. For a few months there were butterflies everywhere I went. In yellows and blues, oranges and browns. Flying overhead in twos, circling around me as if to say, “hello.”
Back in March I needed a new phone. Mine was starting to lose battery power, as they do after a handful of years. I ordered a refurbished one at a friend’s suggestion and when it came in the mail I noticed it had quite a bit more storage on it. It took me a few days to fully set it up, check to make sure my contacts had moved over, etc.
Right after Tree’s death I panicked, searching my phone for any and all emails, voice messages, voice recordings, text messages. Anything. I found many, but only about a year’s worth. I was happy to have them.
I am so grateful to the person at the Apple store who very kindly showed me how to easily save the messages, how to airdrop them to my laptop. They even created a folder for me to keep everything safe. When I asked if this happens a lot, people coming in panicked and in tears, they replied, “yes, actually. Helping people remember those they loved has been my favorite part of this job. I didn’t know I would be helping people do that here,” they said.
Every now and then I scroll through my phone to make sure Tree still shows up in my text messages. I continue to listen to recordings between us here and there, when I begin to forget the sound of his voice.
On this day in March as I scrolled through to find his voice, I noticed that suddenly my phone had messages between us dating back to 2016. Voice memos, photos, videos, poems, music. It was a lot to take in. It took me a few weeks to go through all the messages. I thought I would be overwhelmed by the grief of such an act. I was indeed overwhelmed, but by love, not sadness. The care we took with each other. The care he took with me. How Tree always texted “thank you, Lisa” after we spoke on the phone.
After that it was like Tree floated away. The space between us increased, which actually felt good. He became happy. In a way that I never experienced him on earth. A carefree quality that I think he always dreamed of embodying. Tree was lighter now and his visits were filled with joy and gentle guidance. He no longer needed me to listen. We were both free. It became so that when I thought of him the grief was no longer sadness but an awareness of his joy. And this felt really, really good.
I thought my grief had transitioned.
I’ve been taking a class about love and havingness this month. I take classes every Saturday as part of my study of energy work - I’ll write about this class more at a later date, it has been truly fascinating. As part of class we regularly do meditations, moving energy, and finding neutrality. This particular meditation had us going back through the chronology of our life gathering our love from where we might have left it. As I went through the timeline of my life, I was hit with profound sadness. The desperate kind that leaves your body without permission. I could see in my mind’s eye the absence he had left. An emptiness remained on a level I had not yet explored. Suddenly I was there. The rest of the meditation was painful. Both from grief and in body. My heart hurt. My chest was tight. We took a break immediately after the meditation and I fell apart. A cry that was deep. I howled. It was similar to the way I felt when I first knew of his death. I was in pain.
I recovered, returned to class and have since been okay. The howl was temporary. Horrible. But necessary.
As I think about my friend at 50, I do feel a profound loss. A sadness that Tree's story ended when it did. A curiosity about what he may have done in this phase of life. Would he have fallen in love, become a father, moved to the beach?
I wonder if there were already plans for a celebration. Money put aside by his sister to throw a giant party. A flight to New York. Probably tickets to a Mets game. A summertime concert. His favorite sandwich from the neighborhood deli.
I imagine us meeting at Disneyland. That would have been his request. He would have made me laugh. Sneaking up behind me moaning like Chewbacca. Throwing his weight on the Grizzly River Run to get me soaked. Convincing me to wait for the front car on Big Thunder Mountain. Riding it again with my daughter. Picking us all out matching Star Wars shirts with my husband. Tree would have wanted us all there. It would have been a lot of fun.
Maybe that’s what I miss most now. Is the potential. I am full of memories, but I miss the surprises that come with knowing someone. The delight in learning something new about them, even after years of shared history. When they tell you they are coming for a visit. They get a new job. Fall in love. A song they just can’t stop listening to.
And so my grief has switched positions.
From the past, no longer.
I now miss what was yet to come.
xxx
LAS
SOLAR TRANSIT
7-30-24
Gate 33
Gate of Privacy
On July 30, the sun gracefully transits Gate 33, the Gate of Privacy. During this celestial transit, you are invited to embark on a journey of reflection and introspection. Gate 33 encourages a deep exploration of your past experiences and the wisdom gained from them, allowing you to process and integrate these lessons into your life.
The energy of Gate 33 advocates for embracing the power of retreat and the clarity that comes from looking back. It is a time to honor the importance of stepping away from the present moment to reflect on your journey and to extract meaningful insights from your past. This gate emphasizes the importance of quiet reflection and the ability to distill your experiences into wisdom. By allowing yourself the space to retreat and reflect, you gain the ability to see your life’s narrative with greater understanding and purpose.
However, this energy comes with its own challenges. Those experiencing the transit of Gate 33 may struggle with feelings of regret or the desire to dwell on past mistakes. The urge to avoid confronting past experiences or to become stuck in reflection can be strong. It is crucial to recognize that the power of Gate 33 lies in its ability to foster constructive reflection and the transformation of past experiences into valuable lessons. By resisting the urge to become trapped in the past, you can harness the full potential of this gate’s energy.
To enhance the frequency of Gate 33, cultivate practices that support introspection and constructive reflection. Engage in activities such as journaling, meditation, or any method that helps you process and integrate your past experiences. This period is ideal for reflecting on your life’s journey and the wisdom you have gained along the way. By embracing the process of retreat, you create a space for meaningful insight and personal growth.
Gate 33 tasks you with the opportunity to develop emotional resilience and a deeper understanding of your life’s narrative. It is a reminder that true wisdom often requires moments of retreat and that reflecting on your past can bring clarity and purpose to your present and future. This gate also provides a chance to reflect on how you can use your insights to support and inspire others. Consider how your ability to integrate past experiences can positively influence those around you.
Here are some journaling prompts to deepen your understanding and engagement with this transit:
1. Reflect on your relationship with reflection: How comfortable are you with looking back on your past experiences? Consider how reflective practices can enhance your understanding and personal growth.
2. Explore your emotional resilience: Are there areas in your life where you tend to avoid or dwell on past experiences? Reflect on how you can cultivate a more balanced approach to reflection and integration.
3. Contemplate your life’s narrative: How can you use this period to connect the dots between your past experiences and your current journey? Consider the steps you need to take to integrate your wisdom into your present life.
4. Consider your impact on others: How does your ability to reflect and integrate past experiences influence those around you? Reflect on how you can support and inspire others with your insights and understanding.
By aligning with the energy of Gate 33, you can enhance your capacity for introspection, resilience, and personal growth. This transit offers a valuable opportunity to embrace the power of retreat and use it as a foundation for meaningful insight and purposeful action.
NEW PROMPT!!
Do you know about Tapping? It can be an effective addition to energy work and nervous system regulation. Many of my Mentorship clients include Tapping as part of their daily ritual. You can learn more about Tapping and how to do it by hitting the button bellow.
EFT - Emotional Freedom Technique Tapping Prompt for this transit.
“Even though it makes me anxious to reflect on my past and integrate its lessons, I now trust that retreat and introspection bring great moments of clarity and wisdom, and I deeply and completely love and accept myself.”
Have a great week exploring these transits! Ready to learn more about your Human Design? Hit the buttons below to schedule a reading with me and download the free Human Design information sheets to learn more!
IN HARMONY
Oh this album y’all! There are few things I love more than early 70’s soul. The Delfonics, Bobby Womack, The Crusaders, Marvin Gaye. Sooooo much good music! Jalen Ngonda has really leaned into the early 70’s sound with his 2023 album Come Around with Me. The title track is gorgeous and the perfect thing to listen to on a summer evening that turns into morning.
I hope you enjoy it too. Hit listen to get a taste.
And hey, some of you asked for all the In Harmony songs as a playlist. If that's you, here it is.
Beautiful. Simply beautiful.